Through the Looking Glass: 19. Home Stress Test

Saturday, December 1, 2012

19. Home Stress Test

As life becomes increasingly chaotic there seems less and less time to do something simply for the pleasure of doing it. Work, family, taxes, traffic and simply breathing assault our every available minute, leaving us with very little opportunity to relax and enjoy. Consequently stress levels in the modern world are rising to the point where road rage, drive by shootings and copious Prozac consumption are accepted as being quite normal.

In an effort to determine if one is coping reasonably with the demands of the modern world or if electroshock therapy is needed in the near future the quiz that follows should be completed.

Score 0 if the situation described never occurs

Score 1 if the situation just happens on occasion.

Score 2 if the situation strikes home on a regular basis.

Score 3 if the situation is a regular feature of your everyday existence

Physical

_1. A "Runner's High' is easily achieved by sitting up.

_2. Turns and Rolaids are your main source of nutrition.

_3. An IV drip of espresso is being seriously considered.

_4. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

_5. no matter how often you 'act out' the trembling returns.

Communication

_6. You repeat the same thing over and over again not realizing that you've said it before.

_7. You communicate with those around you in binary code.

_8. You scream "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" while in a room alone.

_9. You repeat the same thing over and over again not realizing that you've said it before.

_10. Your speech includes a language that is understood only by channelers and schizophrenics.

_11. You begin a conversation with yourself, have a disagreement in philosophy, get into a shouting match

and refuse to talk to yourself for the rest of the week.

Visual Acuity

_12. You are able to see individual air particles vibrate.

_13. Long dead relatives show up at your door and suggest some rest might do you good.

_14. You see trees running in your direction.

_15. The aesthetic appeal of lint grows daily.

Auditory Disturbances

_16. The sun is often to loud for comfort.

_17. You develop an ability to hear mimes.

_18. The sound on your television died months ago but you never noticed.

_19. You know that the words "Just calm down" are code for "There's one more job I want you to do".

_20. The dying screams from the houseflies you swat are coming back to you in your dreams.

Mental State

_21. You can travel without movement of any sort.

_22. The wondrous revelation you have about the universe fade as the white glow disappears.

_23. You and reality file for a no fault divorce.

_24. You are convinced that with enough hard concentration you will be able to levitate yourself to work.

_25. You being regularly bullied by the Telly Tubbys.

Scoring Explanation If your score was

0 - 25 Your stress level is very tolerable. Although you have punched several holes in the walls of your home, the stress you experience is easily alleviated by several large, stiff drinks or thoughts of kicking the family dog across the backyard. You need not be concerned with electroshock therapy or a lobotomy at this point. The SPCA and Alcoholics Anonymous both have you name on file however.

26 - 50 With your score in this range you are suffering with more stress than

the general population. It may be worth considering the idea of giving up at least one of the three full time jobs you are holding down, (sleeping and eating go a long way in reducing the psychotic episodes that have been experiencing lately) If your multiple personalities cannot afford the drop in income, a home electroshock therapy kit might be a worthwhile investment.

51-70 A score in this extreme range probably guarantees a stroke or aneurysm as you read through this explanation. In order to pass away with at least several seconds that are stress free, simply sign your name below. Our 'Stress Benevolence Cult' will inter your remains and will use the assets of your estate to fight stress related deaths such as the one you are experiencing right now.

71-75 The fact that you have scored as highly as you have and are still breathing qualifies you to join the "Stress Benevolence Cult" as a full member. The groups seminars and activities include diverse subject areas such as "Channeling for Fun and Profit", "Will and Estate Management"," Caribbean Real Estate Opportunities" and "Starting Your Own Cult".

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Introduction

Having moved at least twenty-five times in fifteen years has opened a world of learning to me. In six decades, an education ranging from the coldness of large cities to the isolation of remote rural locations to the busybody gossip of small towns and the wonder of the prairie and it's ocean of grass have all left their impressions on me.

Recently I relocated to a small city in British Columbia. It touted itself as a historical, cultural, educational and, over-all wonderful, place to live. Once I was past the trees and the rocks, the heights and the hills, the water and the wind, I calmed down and was ready to look at the people I was sharing that space with.

Every location I have ever squatted has had it's share of characters. Players in the cities along with the wide range of tinfoil hat wearers and baggy pants skaters were a given. Pop up strangers at odd hours surprised me with their appearance in the middle of nowhere. Rumours of my serial killer past from neighbours I had never met never swayed me. The wonder of gazing on the effects of wind on the grass ocean interrupted by a landowner enquiring why I was leaning on his fence was oft forgiven.

In this new locale a variety of characters as I had experienced elsewhere was a given. The density and variety of them however gave me more surprise than I would have expected.

I had heard comments about this place being a time warp to the sixties. However I only saw few that , by their appearance, I could say lived through the sixties. What apparitions appeared were younger and more colourful than I remember from that vague decade.

Purple haired strong armed accordionists, heavy head shaved violinists clutching tiny instruments, winter coated scarf wrapped individuals in shorts and oddly calm people with large coffees wandered the streets.

They wandered in and out of new age crystal shops, expressed opinions on local radio, bought nothing but organic food. They played jazz on squeeze boxes, made strings and wood sing in ways not intended, talked to themselves as they tightened their scarves and became more serene with each sip of coffee.

Characters here are more concentrated than in any other locale I have ever lived. It is a point of interest as well as point of concern.

It remains to be seen whether I will be mugged with organic carrots, side swiped by hooligan mountain bikers, be harangued with advice on dressing warmly or kept awake nights by jazzy sounds from an errant squeeze box. Whatever the outcome I am certain I could find it in no other place on earth to explore these particular uncertainties.

Until I am transplanted again, I extend every new-ager and boarder, every subculture economist and spiritualist, every would-be and wanna-be my deep thanks for extending me the opportunity of educating myself one measure more.