My
students often used the descriptors 'nut' and 'screwball'. These
terms are generally heard after I had asked them to do something totally
irrational like 'work quietly' or 'behave properly'. They were not
the fist to use such euphemisms for my supposed mental imbalance.
When I announced my decision to become a teacher, my parents
verbalized their congratulations but their expressions screamed doubt
about my sanity. Perhaps they were remembering the school related
difficulties I had subject them to or perhaps they understood, better
than I, the degree of irrational thought involved in wanting to work
with adolescents.
Over
the years my sanity has been questioned not only by my family and
students but also by my peers. Our resident psychologist and guidance
counsellor had always shown an interest in both students and staff.
Always questioning and probing, it seemed to be his way of
reconciling the professional with the social part of his work. I
began to notice our conversations were taking a disturbing direction.
"How is that working for?", he would often ask. Other
questions that came up with increasing frequency included, "How
do you feel about your mother ?" and "Are you really in
touch with what you feel ?". Suddenly I began to wonder if I was
being subject to therapy without my knowledge.... if tabs were being
keep on my delicately balanced sense of reality. Paranoia !!! This
had never occurred before
I determined that people were out to get me !!
I
began to ask some soul searching questions. Had my train left the
track ?....Did my elevator go all the way up?....Was my load short a
few bricks ? ...What was I to do ?....Where would I find help ?
I
quickly discovered the wealth of self-help books available. I spent a
great deal of time reading everything from Gestalt Therapy to Healing
the Inner Child to Freud's Analysis of the Id. A great deal was
learned but the only lasting effect was a need to wear reading
glasses.
Television
was another source of help I explored. Between PBS, Access, the
Learning Channel and the Discovery channel there were a number of
offerings that that could lead me back to an island of sanity. I
discovered that there were entire weekends devoted to Dr. Leo
Buscallia that resulted in an overwhelming urge to hug everyone
around me. Another exploration led me to John Bradshaw and his
explanation of the workings of the 'Inner Child". In the
excitement of sharing the discovery of my inner child with my partner
I was sure I heard her mutter some negative comment about "having
to take care of another child".
My
fascination with television psychology ended the day I stumbled
across a talk show whose subject was "People Addicted to TV
Psychology" and another that focused on "Psychosis
Resulting From Self-help Efforts". I concluded that I must do
a most unmanly deed.....give up my TV remote and stop relying on
books as a crutch.
To
my surprise life got better. In only a short period of time the train
was back on track....my elevator went all the way to the top and I
could count my full load of bricks. Today life is enjoyable and good.
My friends have noted a positive change in me. I haven't told them
the reason for my return to a greater measure of balance........I
figure if I keep enough of my neurosis to stay interesting rather
become irritating I don't have to share any more details.
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